TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your putting inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully out of position. Created by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour till the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have A further place where American Adult men can dress in robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is easier: supply All people a collection to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle ability," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It truly is that he really should halt applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the venture, replied, "You realize, person, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Very good folks. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head noticeable from Room, a element currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits just after acquiring the creating's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not simply unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Perplexing Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees may contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, total with climate Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Local Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Technique: "In case you Bomb It, They are going to Come"


The advertisement marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Eternally."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "the place's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is currently attracting attention from international traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll purchase 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level can even incorporate:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the Trump Tower Damascus revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge where my PTSD may have turn-down assistance."


An additional article from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories recommend:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It desired gold. It needed a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave all of it three. You are welcome."

Report this page